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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006991">amor matris</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyesonly/pseuds/eyesonly'>eyesonly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Death mentioned, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:42:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,214</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyesonly/pseuds/eyesonly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I knew that Leia did what she had to, just like I did. Maybe it wasn’t right, but is there a right way to grieve?"</i>
</p><p>It's a year since Leia's passing. Poe just needs to talk out his grief.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Poe Dameron/Finn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>amor matris</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>just some freeform thoughts on grief. i just miss carrie fisher a lot.</p><p>happy star wars day from one sad gay to all the others out there.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s been a year since Leia died.”</p><p>The words were mumbled into warm skin. </p><p>“It doesn’t feel like it was that long ago.”</p><p>Poe lightly kisses Finn’s bare chest. He cherished moments like these. Alone in their modest quarter. No duties. No responsibilities. Just Finn and Poe. Together.</p><p>“One whole year of being generals.”</p><p>“Now that feels like it’s been a millennia. I don’t know how Leia did it for so long.”</p><p>Poe lets out a breathy laugh before snuggling back into Finn’s side. </p><p>“I miss her so much.”</p><p>“I know, Poe. We all miss her.”</p><p>Finn’s voice is gentle as he pulls Poe closer, sensing the sadness welling up in him. They are both silent for a long moment, the sound of each other's breath the only thing breaking through the quiet.</p><p>“You know, I hated her for a long time? I almost didn’t join the Resistance because of her.”</p><p>“You. You, General Leia Organa’s right hand and number one fan, Poe Dameron, hated her?” Finn’s voice is soft, yet incredulous.</p><p>Poe nodded against his chest.</p><p>“Leia and my mom were close friends, I mean really good friends. My mom flew for her, all through the Rebellion. Mom was so proud to serve the Princess of Alderaan. My mom grew up on Alderaan, and she went from being a starstruck civilian to being the Princess’s personal pilot. Leia and Han used to occasionally visit the ranch, especially after Ben was born. I used to wait up all night when I knew they were coming,” A chuckle breaks through at the memory.</p><p>Finn smiled down at him, squeezing his shoulder.</p><p>“What changed?”</p><p>“My mom died. Blood burn.”</p><p>“I’m not familiar with that...is it a disease?”</p><p>Poe nodded, biting the inside of his cheek.</p><p>“Yeah. It happens to pilots sometimes. Our suits and ships are better suited for it now, so it’s not as huge of a concern as it was back then, but it was just one of the risks of flying. Most pilots didn’t live long enough to get affected by it, to be honest. But my mom, she was the best.”</p><p>“I think you’re the best,” Finn hummed.</p><p>“Well you never saw her fly. She was better than Luke. Better than Rey. Far better than me. That’s why she was Leia’s pilot. And then my mom died. And a week later, dad and I get a letter from Leia sending her condolences. That’s it. A letter. She was like family and she didn’t even come to her funeral. I hated her. I hated the Rebellion. I hated the New Republic. I hated it all.”</p><p>“So in your anger you left for Kijimi?”</p><p>Poe let out a sigh, “I did, well several years after mom died I did. I was giving dad hell and I was hurt and wanted to hurt him too, so I left Yavin. Then I got into trouble, big trouble being a dumb stupid kid. I thought my life was over, then all of a sudden, in swooped Senator Organa. She vouched for me, spoke about me as if she knew me and I knew she didn’t, she couldn’t have. Jail or the Flight Academy were my two options. I begrudgingly chose the latter. I still hated her, and let her know that in no uncertain terms.”</p><p>“You told Leia you hated her?” Finn almost sat up with a startled laugh.</p><p>“Oh I said more than that. I gave her the whole: don’t pretend you care about me or my family, you are one of the worst kind of beings, this is only because you don’t want to taint your own name, yadda yadda. I just really laid into her. Not my proudest moment.”</p><p>“I bet she gave it back to you with that attitude!”</p><p>“Nope, she stood there and took it. When I finished she took my hand and gave me a data chip. She just said, ‘When you need me, use this.’ I almost threw it back in her face, but I saved it. For years I saved that little chip. Then things went south with the Republic. I popped that chip into a data pad and an hour later I was part of the Resistance.”</p><p>“What changed your mind? I know Muran died, but what made you agree to join her?”</p><p>Poe nuzzled into Finn further, their legs hooking together.</p><p>“She apologized. She told me my mom was one of the best friends and companions she had ever had. She said she had to grieve alone. She felt responsible for her death and couldn’t bear to face my dad or me knowing that piloting is what caused her death. The thing was, that no matter if she worked with Leia or not, my mom would have always been in the sky.”</p><p>Finn’s fingers gently ran over Poe’s upper arm in soft circles and patterns. </p><p>“So you forgave her?”</p><p>Poe nodded. </p><p>“I wasn’t an angry little kid anymore. I knew that Leia did what she had to, just like I did. Maybe it wasn’t right, but is there a right way to grieve? We both finally mourned together and I remembered why my mom gave up so much for her. That love just extended. I lost my mother and she had lost her son. We mended a broken part of each of our hearts.”</p><p>Finn smiled sadly, taking his free hand and resting it on Poe’s that rested on his chest.</p><p>“You know how I can feel things, through the Force?”</p><p>Poe looked up with him during a nod.</p><p>“Even when she was upset or frustrated or just flat pissed off at you,” Poe snorted softly at him, “All I could ever feel from her was just love. Pure adoration. I don’t know if she ever said it or showed it-”</p><p>“She never had to. I knew. I always knew.”</p><p>Poe’s voice was a whisper and Finn hugged him tight. Moments later he felt hot droplets fall on his chest. He pulled Poe in even tighter pressing his lips onto Poe’s forehead.</p><p>Poe buried his head into Finn’s shoulder and the tears released.</p><p>Through their first year of being generals he had seen so much of Poe he had never seen before. Poe was an amazing leader with an empathetic yet efficient approach to dealing with the evil of the Galaxy. Poe inspired and taught him every day. </p><p>He knew he was sad. He didn’t have to be Force sensitive to feel that. But when questioned, Poe threw on a smile and “I’m good buddy, don’t worry.” </p><p>And now, a year since Leia’s passing, he held Poe as he sobbed in their bed. He had no words of condolence. There was nothing he could say that would undo the hurt Poe held. </p><p>It could have been minutes or hours, Finn wasn’t bothered enough to check or care when Poe lifted his head up toward his. Poe’s eyes were red and puffy.</p><p>“Do you think she would be proud of me?”</p><p>Finn looked at him, wiping away the tears on Poe’s cheeks.</p><p>Poe leans in pressing a kiss to Finn’s lips before taking Finn’s hand and kissing where the soft silver band rested on his finger.</p><p>“Poe, she is so incredibly proud of you. They both are.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>follow me on tumblr @deanogarbage</p></blockquote></div></div>
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